i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
