fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
there's paper in my vomit.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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