Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
