i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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