yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
