i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
