dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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