I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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