I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
last night I used snow as a chaser
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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