I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
