I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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