I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
