you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Alive.
So much puke
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
