Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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