So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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