Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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