i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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