he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
