I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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