My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
