Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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