i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
