I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
