I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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