just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
