there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
