tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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