you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
