I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
