Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
id be glad to
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
