also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
