oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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