Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
