remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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