Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
