a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
