my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
