i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
