I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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