Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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