he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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