I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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