Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
