The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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