I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
