If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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