Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
