she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
