dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
