Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
