Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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