bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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