Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
