Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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