I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
