It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
