Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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