what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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