Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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