How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
